So many people are saying…

Donald Trump is our white Bill Cosby, only without the humor. A vile cretin. Guilty of serial sexual assault and bragging about it.

Allegedly.

I got one great email from a real American. He told me that he and his friends all think that…

Trump’s election threatens to Cosby our country, only we’re all wide awake and getting slimed in slow motion. Far too many black holes spit out detestables eager to make us long for a democracy exception or a poll test for the basket of racist, sexist, bigoted nativists who inhabit too many sleazy cracks in our country’s fabric.

Allegedly.

I’ve got so many wonderful people telling me …

Trump’s  appeal isn’t just to uneducated whites and people that like wearing pointy white hats and masks. His support runs deeper. It extends to a wide smorgasbord of goofy, weak, really low energy people: Hillary haters; bigoted, racist and sexist Hillary haters,  and a cesspool of people who think Trump’s business fairy tales, bankruptcies, and screwing over small business people somehow qualify him to lead our country into a ditch.

I’m just reporting what everyone is saying…

Sniff.

All the real polls show…

None of Trump’s core voters could ever qualify to stay at any of his hotels or resorts. But they’d feel right at home in Germany — in the 1930’s and 40’s.

Sniff. Sniff.

A real funny guy, not that sad, failed Seth Meyers, told me…

Trump reminded him of cultivated pond scum, kind of like a spoiled creme brulee.

He’s embarrassing. Dumb as a rock and proud of it. Very dishonest. Soon to be irrelevant. Sickly. Failing. A big lightweight. And I hear his dad and Lee Harvey Oswald hung out together.

Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

But my reputation as a fair and balanced columnist somehow preceded me. Trump agreed to preen for a short interview when he rolled into Houston to raise money he didn’t need since he is self financing his campaign. I refused to play the Trump game. I summoned up a little Megyn Kelly  and Chris Wallace and attacked with really unfair questions that only the unfair press can pose.

But first I had to soften him up.

So Donald, how big is it? Really?

Huge. I may be 70, but I’m not a Hillary 70. Sniff. I’m in good shape. Look at my hair. Have you ever seen anything like it? You should see my glow at twilight. Prettier than a sunset.

Actually, I think Americans are more interested in your tax returns. How about showing them?

Taxes are for losers. Let me tell you, my return is so huge it’s scary. And I know big. I’ve got no problem in that area. I guarantee it. And why would I want to give the failing NY Times another article to make up? Let me tell you something: None of their goofy reporters  has the guts to run for POTUS. No wonder they’re jealous.  I’m bigger than them in so many ways it’s not funny. Look, you’re too obsessed with sex. Enough.

How about giving America only the pages showing all of your charitable deductions? Or is that section too big also? 

Look, charity means giving back, right? I’m giving, giving, giving all the time. If I didn’t build great hotels, resorts, apartments and luxury condos then where would people live? You’d have horrible homelessness. My amazing buildings are my charity to every legal American. And that includes all my many Russian and Chinese investors and an amazing black and a decent Mexican. My people work so, so  hard to give the black and the Mexican a place to stay. Just go to any of my places. You’ll always see a lots of blacks and Mexicans doing stuff. Now that’s real charity. I could cut lots of checks, but I’d rather get tax credits from New York so I can finally solve the upscale homelessness problem.

You talk about strong leadership. What does that mean to you?

Three things: Winning.

But that’s one thing.

It’s all the same. You want another? How about  knowing how to deliver exciting lies and call them facts?

Sniff.
One more?

Avoiding buses if there’s a Bush on it.
Anything else you’d like to share with my Bumpspot audience?

Yes, I am going to win so very big on November 8. Just you watch how many more people vote for me than for all of the other candidates combined.  The press won’t report that. But I will clearly win the legitimate male voting machines. Bigly. You can’t count Hillary’s votes. The nasty women voting machines are all rigged.

And if you lose?

I won’t ever lose. This is a movement. And all the heated self-flushing toilet bowls in all of my fanciest hotels can’t contain this movement. You watch. Sniff. The country will never ever be the same. Trust me on that.

 

America Held Hostage — Pre-Election Day 62

by Jeff Pozmantier September 6, 2016

Until the election/coronation, Bumpspot will operate in crisis mode. We will be blog tweeting from our Sandalwood bunker, deep in the heart of Trump country. As we approach America’s election Armageddon, consider Bumpspot to be your FiveThirtyEight, RealClear Politics, HuffPost Pollster and TheUpshot all rolled into one. Who’s leading you ask? We answer: The low […]

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A Message For Hillary Haters

by Jeff Pozmantier August 11, 2016

Don’t do it. If you’re a sentient being (of voting age), lean Republican,  and don’t fall in the angry white undereducated demographic, then this blog is for you. (If  you are angry, white and undereducated and CAN READ THESE WORDS, I’ll let you in on a secret: The Illuminati have moved this year’s voting date […]

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What Hillary Must Do To Win

by Jeff Pozmantier July 28, 2016

Oh Hillary oh Hillary, has Trumpism overtaken you? How can you trail this vainglorious bigot in most of the latest polls? Posh on the convention bounce excuse. Really? After that convention? How can you be behind this bullying, infantile cretin? Someone whose major presidential qualification appears to be his talent for casual insults and lying? Yes, lying. Check PolitFact. […]

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Idiotic Word Buffets

by Jeff Pozmantier June 16, 2016

Donald Trump eats at his own idiotic word buffet  almost every twitter hour. Nine million plus soak up his tweeting scraps and his dog whistle to bigots, racists, nativists, conspiracy-theorists and lovers of other us-versus- them- ists: Make America great again!  Ah, so how do we do that exactly? Who is really at fault for his followers’  personal travails? […]

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A Message To My Republican Friends

by Jeff Pozmantier June 4, 2016

No mas. I’d like to think that if I was faced with a democratic Trump candidate — and who really knows if he is or isn’t? —I would seriously consider a Republican candidate whose minimal qualification was that he/she wasn’t unhinged. Forget the racism and bigotry. This man is a real Goldwater Daisy Girl ad risk. […]

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When Did Republicans Lose Their Party?

by Jeff Pozmantier May 24, 2016

Was it when Republican party leaders increasingly viewed negotiating as a zero sum game played against a gang of Democratic devils and their anti-American leaders who seemed bent on destroying their Republican way of life? Or was it when Ted Cruz showed the way? His way. Cruz certainly proved how much better it was to engage in futile causes. Who can ever forget […]

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This Year Proves Your Vote Really Doesn’t Matter

by Jeff Pozmantier April 11, 2016

Trust me on this. Your vote for President of our disunited red, blue and purple states — an office real estate moguls used to just spend their dollars buying, not trying to serve — doesn’t matter if you live anywhere other than a battleground state. I live in Texas. But it would be the same story if I lived in New […]

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Donald Trump Is President

by Jeff Pozmantier February 29, 2016

The people spoke. At least the smart ones in the big electoral states did. New York and California are such losers. They didn’t want me, so why should I want them? First day in office, they’re out. We’ll be better off  with 48 states anyway. And tell me why  I have to wait until January to begin […]

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Top Seven Things You Don’t Need To Know Before You Die

by Jeff Pozmantier January 2, 2016

Create lists. Then create lists of lists. Why? Just do it because I said so and stop questioning everything. You’ll live a happier life. If you must know — and I assume you must, because you’ve read this far —  it’s not because  lists of lists  help you get organized. Frankly, if you’re that disorganized, you’ll probably lose your […]

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